i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
