Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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