so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
