Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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