So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
