A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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