you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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