Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
