you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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