You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
cat food counts as protein by the way
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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