i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
