my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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