i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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