There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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