i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
