either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
3pm strippers are depressing
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
