then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
