if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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