that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
