If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
