if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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