Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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