I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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