Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
