WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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