I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
