Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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