i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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