just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
