it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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