I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
