i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
