I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
