Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
