I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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