Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
