apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize