I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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