She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
