he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
God, I missed his penis.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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