If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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