either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
