he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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