my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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