Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
