Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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