"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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