I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
