not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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