You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Boobs speak an international language.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
