if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The uberlube is also flammable
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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