I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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