I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Pooping to opera.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
