I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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