To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
