I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize