Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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