Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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