I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
