Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
