genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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